Image by photographer, Julian Beattie

What’s the best way to come out of the closet and announce that you want to steer your ship a little towards the weird and wonderful world of relationships?

How to understand them.

How to make them better, richer, more meaningful.

How to love like never before.

I’m completely motivated to start more conversations here about the dynamics between people – with a mesmerized magnifying class zooming in on romantic partnerships, specifically.

Because there are myths to bust. Rights to wrongs. There are opportunities to go deeper, and if you’ll let me, I’d love to help you.

So without further hesitation, let’s dive into 5 ways to love the absolute shit out of your man (or layday).

(Single ladies, stay put. You’re not exempt from this for a second!)

1. Go to him.

Are you usually at home when he returns from work, surfing, a quick trip to the shops?

Make this a new habit of yours: as he’s walking through that door, ensure that you’re walking towards him. Put your arms around him, smile, give him a kiss, tell him you missed him while giving him a fun little squeeze – who bloody cares if he’s only been gone 15 minutes?! Every man wants his woman feel happy and safe and confident – what better way to show him that than by beaming a radiant smile at him as he re-enters the home.

This means: no exasperated sighs that silently say: ‘Ugh! Thank God you’re home, I’m SO exhausted from looking after the kids all day. I’m signing off, it’s your turn.’

It also means: no cold looks as if to say : ‘Well, I hope you had fun with your friends, because you left me here at home by myself and I certainly did NOT have fun, so now I’m going to punish you by not giving you my love and attention.’

Come on ladies. We can do better than that.

This principal applies to more that the front door greeting. If you’re picking him up from the airport, from golf, from a business meeting, get out of the car, s m i l e, greet him with touch, and show him that you’re beyond stoked to see him.

2. Put your phone and computer away after dinner, and keep it away.

Technology – though we’re all grateful for it, I’m sure – is one of the biggest killers of passion and intimacy. On the one hand, we’re addicted to our night time scrolling, and on the other, we’re aching for more heart-felt connection with our beloved. One of the many solutions to this is to make your night times sacred. Allow dinner to be the marker in your day that draws the line in the sand when it comes to social media and blog/ business stuff. Be present with one another. Curl up into a pretzel as you share a bottle of wine watching a movie. Eat by candle flame. These are the things that keep couples just as in love at 78 as they were at 28.

Not friggen instagram stalking.

3. Use positive reinforcement.

I once heard in an interview with relationship expert, Alison Armstrong, that the reason so many men love video games, is because the technology provides them with a Points For Effort reward system.

Kill bad guy, get gold star.

Headbutt a floating brick, collect red mushroom.

In other words, they get instantly rewarded for a job well done. The masculine energy thrives in this environment – on getting the proverbial pat on the shoulder, the kiss on the cheek, the radiant smile. The gold star. It gives him purpose, gives him a sense of certainty – consciously or not – that he’s a good man.

So I propose that we, as women, sideline the bullshit and instead devote wholeheartedly to positive reinforcement. Let’s shower him stupid with it.

I know this all probably sounds a bit obvious, but reflect for a moment what your main baseline of communication is with your beloved. Is it…

:: You stacked the dishwasher all wonky again

:: You forgot to grab XYZ at the shops

:: I miss the way things used to be between us

As women that are prone to talking in riddles, these statement are in actual fact cries for attention, affection, and presence, but to the man of the house, they reek of nothing but: ‘You’re ever so slightly inadequate.’

Let’s think before we verbally castrate our men. Let’s build him up, up, up, and remind him of the man we fell in love with.

:: Thank you so much for taking care of dinner tonight. It means the world that you did that for me.

:: I was just thinking about the way you looked at me the other night *insert cheeky smile here*

:: I saw the way you were with the kids today. It melted me. You’re an incredible dad.

:: It turns me ON when you touch me… THERE.

No more riddles. No more reverse psyche. Be kind to him. Be his lover. Give him his golden freaking star. He’s starving for it.

4. Get keenly aware of what HE loves.

Does he love a certain meal, ritual, sexual position, state of being?

Cough up, sister girl. Be the bringer of what lights him up, often.

And PS, don’t even think about a trade off (I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine).

Give it because his joy is your joy.

5. Do not – under any circumstances – withhold your love.

Us women, damn, we can be such manipulative little monsters.

Enough with the silent treatment.

The I’ll talk to you when I’m ready– ness.

The I’ll give you my attention when you start giving me what I want – ness.

SCRUNCH! *In the trash!*

The world needs our love, my ladies. Our whole love, that which isn’t limited by brownie points and expectations and vindictiveness.

Be the one that surrenders, that tears down the wall, lays down the weapons, and chooses forgiveness over pissy little fights. There is strength and softness in every ‘I’m sorry’ – so please, in the name of love, say it. Allow him to give you the gift of feeling into your vulnerability while cracking way, way open. That’s what makes us most attractive, you know? Our softness. Our ability to open, and feel.

Anyone can meditate, anyone can do yoga, anyone can drink their weight in kale, but can you be present and (unconditionally) loving in all of your relationships? Because this – this observation and participation in these divine interactions that we’ve been blessed to be apart of – I believe, is the most sacred spiritual practice of all. When you give, give, freaking give yourself, and not because you are a martyr, or because you’re attempting to trade love, or expect love, but instead because there’s an abundance of it inside of you, because you CAN – there is no sweeter thing than that.

Giving that type of love is simultaneously, magically allowing you to receive that kind of love.

Can you give it, even when you don’t want to?

Even when you think you’re right?

Even when you think that staying angry or silent a little longer will really teach him a lesson this time? (It won’t, by the way. He’ll just learn to close himself off to you so he never triggers you.)

This post may have shocked you a little. I understand if it did.

Something I’ve become incredibly passionate about lately, is re-prioritising my life in such a way that Glen has become my absolute, first and foremost priority.

This might sound a little duh! to you, but in all transparency, I can share you with you now –  while still a little dizzy – that I was swept right up into the eye of the self-love storm. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a self proclaimed self-love advocate (fo lyfe!), but these days, my focus has shifted and landed firmly on him. My mirror, my teacher, my love.

And for that, I can’t apologise.

Now – I’d love you to share this with your lady loves, I really, really would. But I’d also be chuffed if you’d print this article, clip it to Evernote – do what it is that you do when you’ve stumbled across something valuable that you intend to return to. Needless to say, I think this is really important. We need to be beacons of love and light for the men (and women) in our lives! For the longevity of our relationships, for our children, for the sake of intimacy and soul-mate connection.

You are allowed to love with your whole, messy, staggering heart. 

So go on. Give.