I’m-a come right out and say it. I’ve been up close and personal lately with aspects of myself I’m not entirely proud of, but that need accepting, nonetheless.
The world (as it always does) is reflecting everything back at me. My strengths and soul essences, yes, but also, my shadows. My ‘dark’ side.
I’m quickly learning that each and every mirror presents me an opportunity to observe it, sit with it and transform. Each and every one.
Looking our shadow in the eye doesn’t come without a side serve of humility.
By observing my reaction to others, I’ve been made aware of the parts of me that mould and bend to suit my environment, the parts of me that are tunnel-visioned and self-serving, the parts of me that are stubborn, strong-willed and a little pushy. And I know these traits lie within me for the simple reason that these are qualities that I’ve been judging in others…
So, I offer you this suggestion, when it comes to recognising friction within relationships in your life: maybe the issue isn’t that you’re not resonating with someone; perhaps the opposite is true. Could you in fact be resonating so strongly that it tears at a nerve somewhere deep within, and somehow (how, dammit?) leaves you feeling swollen and a little inflamed? This might be something for you to mull over in your journal, or during a meditation next time you- for whatever which reason- find yourself casting judgement on those around you.
SOFTEN.
Awareness is the lighthouse.
Awareness of these shadows is the tool which allows you to shift gears; from mental-attack-mode, to intrinsic contemplation.
Awareness is the soft voice of grace that mends separation with an affirmative ‘I can see you’.
It’s the catalyst for acceptance, forgiveness and knowingness of a higher truth.
It allows us to step away from the war in our minds and adapt (the magic word…) compassion.
Listen up to those you’re judging. Listen to what your shadow has to say.
The message is always: COMPASSION. Judge less sister, for when you judge others, you condemn yourself.
Okay, jumping back down from my soap box now.
I have a question for you: If you’re feeling brave, I’d love to hear a shadow that’s recently been reflected back at you in your life. What type of personality/behaviour/attitude have you been judging negatively, and how does this represent something something present within you?
A personal example. I’ve found myself cringing my forehead at people online who I’ve been labelling as ‘inauthentic’. This judgement alone is reason enough for me to step back, slow down, pry myself away from my ego like velcro, and ask myself: Okay Tara, where in life are YOU being inauthentic? What’s feeling fraudulent and a little icky. And sure enough, I found it.
We’re all friends here, and nothing is taboo. You’re safe and will not be judged, so if you’d love to share a story, I encourage you to, in the comments. Don’t forget to share this baby on your interwebs, also.
x
So much truth in this post Tara. What we see is a reflection of who we are…both in the light and in the shadow. As always, a beautiful piece of writing x
Thank you Debbie beautiful x
I always try to remind myself of the whole judging others for what you don’t like or accept of yourself whenever I find one one really getting to me.
Lately for me it’s people who (i think) try to cover their inexperience or insecurity by using big words and touting all their fancy ‘specialised knowledge’ in other areas (mainly at work) and I realised when I am feeling insecure or above my head, particularly in a work situation, I am very guilty of doing the same. Xo.
Oh Jessie I SO value your honesty- it’s beautiful!
Thank you x
Spot on as usual, Tara! I think my “shadow” is similar to yours – sometimes I feel that people are not being their true selves or are trying too hard to fit into a particular circle. But I know that I have been guilty of that myself, at times. The desire to belong can be a powerful force! xx
‘The desire to belong can be a powerful force! ‘ Oh babe you couldn’t be more right. Powerful, indeed.xxx
Off lately, I have been judging people with a sight that they all are running for money. No matter where I went and approached for my workshops – I was thrown back with a “terms and conditions” note of how much I have to pay them before they can organize anything for me. I felt like people cannot share what authenticity and love I want to share but all they want is how much can I pay them even though they are doing the same work. Even a mentor I respected did something in the same aspect. I was taken aback! I was judging people totally – and when asking myself where am wrong or what am holding on to these experiences I realized that it’s just the lack of money I was focusing upon and that is why I was not ready to share the energy with others. It’s more deeper than that can be expressed in words. But I have come to understand that every time I am picking on someone – there is something inside of me that needs to be healed and brought back home again. You have written it beautifully Tara, Thanks again! :)
Isn’t is amazing when we can really step into observer mode and check out our life without judgement? Good on you for garnering that type of curiosity babe xxx
Absolutely T! It is awesome and powerful..! :)
We are all reflections of each other!
This was a huge lesson for me to learn…the things I see in others and dislike are coming from somewhere within me. Awesome post. A great reminder of a tricky life lesson xo
Tricky indeed lovely. xxx
Awesome post. There’s someone within my extended family who used to frustrate the crap out of me. But I realised I was internalising her issues and frustrations and feeding them back, only making the situation worse, not better. So I’m trying to remember to be authentic and present in the situation, and not get caught up in whatever might be going on for others. I can’t control everything, only my own behaviour and reactions.
“So, I offer you this suggestion, when it comes to recognising friction within relationships in your life: maybe the issue isn’t that you’re not resonating with someone; perhaps the opposite is true”
Holy wow, SO SO spot on…When I take a moment and step back, I usually find that when I have my judging hat on it’s because I am recognising a quality in someone else that I don’t particularly like in myself.
I have found that by working to overcome these particular issues within myself, the annoyance melts away and becomes compassion. We are all here to help each other, how am I to know if the person is already aware of and possibly self conscious about their behaviour/attitude? This is something I have learnt to ask myself every time I feel that little “grrrr” feeling coming up!
Great post Tara, love love LOVE your honesty x
I am currently living with my boyfriend in his family home and there are 5 of us in the house. I have only been on this journey of health and wellness for about 6 months and I am eating a completely different diet to them, using different beauty products and I even wash my clothes separately in my own homemade washing powder. I have to confess that I have been subconsciously judging them for all the junk they eat, the chemicals they use and the toxic thoughts that they sometimes voice. I have to be honest and realise that I am sometimes guilty of thinking this way, and I sneak a piece of cake here and there. Everyone is on their own journey and we are all human, I really need to stop judging others for not living the same way as me!! xx
I love this Tara. Only just the other day I got off the phone to a friend thinking, “Wow, she is so critical of everyone, nobody is perfect.” A part of me wanted to feel all uppity and tell myself that I was no longer critical of others (bahaha) so that is why I was noticing it but really….I was being critical of my friend for being critical!! The path of awareness…not easy but we couldn’t do it any other way. Thanks for being you xxx
Hi Tara,
I came across your website today and found this post which is yet another reminder for me.
For me, I know I am at a transformational point in my life. Right at my core is this un-resolved self doubt. People keep entering my life as a reminder for me to get it sorted and I know they are my reminder because i am Greatly impacted by their behaviour. When I sit back and un-pack it all I realize why their behaviour has such an impact on me…….. the things about these people that p!s$ me off are all of the things I want to shift within myself!
Jackie xo
It’s almost opposite for me: instead of picking at reasons why I don’t like a person, I always see the beauty..but sometimes it becomes a comparison to what I have. Perfect skin, awesome hair, good style… but you gotta remember- that which you admire in others is in you as well :)
Yes, yes, I remember!
You are SUCH a beautiful writer, Tara. And as I compliment you on this, I compliment myself too.. because I know that which I love in others is in me too <3 Thank YOU beauty!
xx
Very grateful for this post and the more recent radio interview on judgement. My anger at other people and frustration with myself and my inability to set boundaries around my needs has literally cost me my voice. This is my seventh day of silence as I recover from laryngitis. For whatever reason, I can’t say “no” and sometimes end up living a life that I feel like I am being dragged through. At the same time as I am making myself physically sick through overextending myself at work, I get into a fight with a friend who just irks me so much because I feel like she is addicted to living a life of misery and that she is completely shut off to the possibility that she could change it completely at any moment just by opening herself to the possibility of change and positivity. My head just exploded / my heart opened up! Thanks!
Head explosions and heart openings = fuck yeah! :) Thanks Jen. Glad to be of service x
This is a great post. Thank you so much for sharing this!
I definitely have the samem conflict that I’ve come to acknowledge and accept in myself over the past few years.
I didn’t realize that I was facing down imposter syndrome. I used to project that everyone was fake/inauthentic. Of course, some of that came from not feeling that I was living my life in a genuine manner.
I kept pretending to be happy when I was miserable. I resorted myself to avoiding change, because it was comfortable. I stayed in jobs and relationships far longer than what was healthy, because I truly believed that I was incompetent, incapable, and would be exposed as such if I attempted to go for the things that truly appealed to me/that I dreamed about (music/writing/art etc.)